February is About Mindful Eating: A Year of Healing Weight Loss Trauma

Hey, I'm back, back from being elsewhere, back from migrating digitally and physically to new places and platforms that allow me the opportunity to perform my art. I've been gone for a while for different reasons, the main one being that I had recently moved to Substack, as it allowed me a connection with a community I yearned for, one I could not find here for years. Yes, I've had this blog for years, and a part of me will always appreciate it as a digital archive of my older self, of my older writings, back when I was in university, back when I was exploring different genres, back when I didn't take myself too seriously. I come back to it whenever I don't want to take what I publish too seriously, and want to rather publish for myself. So welcome to the deeper part of me that remains hidden between fancy websites and projects, where I am not labeled as anything but me, Salma. 

So welcome to Salma, and particularly her journey into weight loss that has been going on for the past 15 or more years, with all imaginable pursuits being laid on the table. I'm not here to talk about my past, though. That is a part of me that is best kept hidden amongst my personal journals and struggles, one I do not wish to revisit here but rather present the outcomes of what I have learned from it. 

February is about mindful eating, I write as I mindlessly munch on a grapefruit salad I had made earlier with pomegranates, orange blossom water, avocadoes, cucumbers, greens, ginger, and balsamic vinegar. February is about mindful eating, I write as I think about the girl I was trying to impress by cooking her my shakshuka, one that I also made for myself today. There's so much memory attached to the food that I eat, it becomes almost impossible to not feed on my emotions, so how do I avoid what they call "emotional eating"? I guess, by replacing the foods I eat with "healthier ones". So basically crying over a box of dates instead of brownies, right? Just kidding, I think... 

February is about mindful eating, and as I grapple with the definition of "mindfulness" I wonder what decisions I can make for myself today that can get me closer to my ultimate goal, that of being confident in my body no matter what shape or form it decides to take based on internal and external influences. Confident, as in sure that the body I am in at the moment serves where I am meant to be in the future. Growing up fat taught me how cruel the world can be, and being fat continues to teach me how to resist against it. Freedom is a constant struggle, to borrow from Angela Davis, and I personally am done struggling to change a world that would rather exist without me. In conclusion, I am burnt out, like every other activist will be at some point in their lives, and a part of me wants to participate in the system in order to make it easier for me to navigate a world that requires for me to look a certain way to survive. 

I'm not here to offer any body positive sentiments, I'm not 16 anymore. I'm here to look the cruel reality of pretty privilege in the eye and surrender to it. I decided to lose weight, and so what? I know a part of me that believed that I could exist in a world and find a community where that's no longer a requirement from me is disappointed. I know she is. I know being fat shaped a big part of who I am, of my identity, and a part of me grapples to let go. A part of me feels like losing weight means surrendering to the patriarchal, sexist system that expects of me to look a certain way to pass. Losing weight is a heartbreaking process, I've been through it over and over again, and it's still ongoing. It literally requires losing parts of yourself. 

February is about mindful eating, I say as I return disappointed from a trip to Bangladesh because I did not magically become more disciplined or motivated after it, and gained a lot of weight from all the amazing food I was having, boohoo. I forgot to be grateful for all the moments I have spent there amongt people I have come to cherish, and focused on the "bigger picture" instead. The person I am yet to become but will for sure be becoming soon, after my trip ends. 

As you can see, or read, I come back from Bangladesh with a lot of emotions yet to be processed, and this is why I am leaving January behind, because I am not yet ready to talk about it, but I promise I will be soon. I can't wait to be sharing all the amazing food experiences with you on my other blog, Crescensuals, and to process a lot of emotions on collective solidarity. 

For now, I share with you my (hopefully) last mindless meal of January, before February begins tomorrow. Some intentions I set for myself include: 

- Preparing a ritual before each meal whenever accessible, no matter how small 

- Honoring the meal prepared by those ancestors before us, and those who have laboured to bring this food all the way onto our table

- Honoring the land 

- Saying "Bismillah" in the name of God, before eating, and "Alhamdulilah" thank God, afterwards 

- Making sure I eat intentionally and reflect about the thoughts and emotions that come up when preparing and having a meal 

Bye, and stay updated for Feb reflections!

"You view food as a celebration" - A friend